When Your No-Good Divorce Lawyer is Also Your Friend’s Dad…
I broke off my marriage six months ago and my ex is a controlling bully who has been tormenting me ever since I left him. I’ve had to install cameras around my place as he keeps turning up at all hours to scare me so I just give him what he wants to make it stop. I hired a lawyer a few months ago to handle the divorce and the harassment I’m getting from my ex and his family. [Thankfully we didn’t have kids.] While he recently got me an AVO, I’m not that happy with my lawyer in general. He can be pretty dismissive of me (and my safety) at times and takes days to get back to me when I contact him. I just don’t feel like we’re getting any closer to an endpoint and I’m feeling worn out and beaten down by my ex’s relentless intimidation.
Before you say ‘just fire him’, here’s the problem: he’s also my oldest friend’s dad. I didn’t know where to start in looking for a lawyer and I thought I’d be in safe hands with him. He’s known me since I was 13 and I thought, given our history, he would be going above and beyond for me. And yes, I’m paying him, no discount! But a few months in and I’m feeling anything but safe and confident in how he’s handling my case.
I’m worried if I fire him that it will affect my relationship with my friend. I’m also worried that starting from scratch with a new lawyer is a bad move that might compromise my situation or delay the divorce?
Hey Lady,
The first thing you need to do is shed that people-pleasing epidermis of yours and worry not about anyone else’s collateral feelings but your own. You are in fight mode and must narrow your focus to worrying exclusively about you. I must now pause for a sec and congratulate you on having the instincts, self-preservation and guts to exit your marriage before you birthed any children that would have connected you two for decades, if not forever.
As you weather this very particular form of hell that you surely don’t deserve, it’s important that you steady yourself with three important anchors:
1. The knowledge that getting away from him has been your best decision. Ever. Feel great about that. Who he is now is who he’s always been.
2. A constant reminder that this form of hell is temporary
You WILL emerge out the other side of this divorce marathon stronger, wiser and more resilient than you had ever imagined; something you will need to remind yourself of on the daily. Some of us need visual cues to help us rally when we feel we can rally no more. Some of us get ‘This too shall pass…’ tattoos on our wrist or inner elbow. [And generally end up regretting it.] Some of us laminate motivational messages and wallpaper the shit out of our shower with them. Whatever works, I say.
3. Excellent legal representation to disentangle your union
…and to help protect you from the very real and present danger that is a bitter, jealous, angry ex with revenge in his eyeballs and time on his hands. As evidenced by our seriously woeful domestic violence rates, an AVO is not the impenetrable forcefield that it should be.
Some of us get ‘This too shall pass…’ tattoos on our wrist or inner elbow. [And generally end up regretting it.]
Now to your friend’s dad, loosely known as ‘Your Current Lawyer’. I want to shake the guy, hard. Not only is his lack of urgency baffling but he seems to have forgotten that You are the client and He is the service provider. Of course you need to get rid of him…but before you do, start looking for his replacement stat. To my mind, you need a hybrid of SATC’s Harry Goldenblatt in his earlier, scrappier seasons and Billions’ prosecutorial piranha Kate Sacher.*
Next step: let Your Current Lawyer know that you’ve sought new representation. And if you’d be more comfortable citing a reason other than The Truth, then you could hang it on the fact that you value your friendship with his daughter above all and that you think a cleaner, simpler client-lawyer relationship would serve you best. And that Blahedy McBlah from Infinitely Better Lawyers & Co. will be in touch directly to arrange the transfer of your files. All of which is best said in an email so you can be both crystal clear and unwaveringly confident. I get the sense from the way you write that you’ve been struggling a bit with the power dynamics of this relationship…
Do you need to tell your GF that you’ve ditched her Dad? Well, I think that ultimately depends on the degree of closeness of all involved (him to her, you to her). If you do decide to let her know, I would rely upon the diplomatic vaguery of: “I just don’t think we were the best fit.” It’s the go-to line for many because it says so little yet so much.
As to whether switching lawyers at this point will compromise your case, I’m no legal eagle obvs but I would think that remaining in the hands of Your Current Lawyer is already compromising your position/safety/sanity. Perhaps that can be your opening question for Your New Lawyer…
*[If you don’t know anyone who can personally recommend a good family law professional then head to the Law Council of Australia for a list of law societies and associations in your state as a solid place to start.]
Image credit: © Patrick Demarchelier
