Sep 4

Sep 4 Friends With Breadcrumbs

So I have this friend T. We met while interning and got on instantly. Since then, we’ve been hanging out pretty regularly for about three months or so. We message most days and hang out once or twice a week as friends. But then one time, we ended up kissing which we did more than once though really randomly…and then we slept together. Twice. But now he tells me he’s confused, he cares deeply for me but isn’t sure if that’s as a friend or something more. He says all he knows is that he doesn’t want a relationship right now and that he needs to focus on his career. I’ve just been going along with that and haven’t pushed it as I really love hanging out with him but if I’m honest I think I’m IN love with him. What I really want is for us to be together, beyond this friend zone that we’re in.

Should I just take control and tell him what I really want or just accept that it’s a friendship (with occasional benefits)?

Hey Lady,

Let me first say this: no judgement from me on the friend fucking. Who hasn’t fallen under or on top of a friend once or thrice? However it appears you have (quite literally) fucked with your feelings and your perspective is being heavily filtered through ill-fitting love goggles that are shielding you from The Facts. Let’s rip off those goggles and help you to see more clearly than you are right now. Let’s also review those facts:

Fact #1: He’s used the words ‘confused’ and ‘not sure’ in a sentence that is about You and his feelings for You. Even if you found any grey in that, it (should have) swiftly morphed to black when he told you that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now. When someone tells you they don’t want to be in a relationship, believe them. [An important lesson for all.]

What he may also be saying but not saying: he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now — with You. I’m sorry. I know that stings but that is the ultimate punchline you’ve chosen to ignore here. Instead, you’ve busied yourself with semantics, as we all can and do, and in his ‘confused’ you’re seeing little splinters of hope. You’re languishing in a self-imposed holding pattern, waiting to catch those splinters and patchwork them together into a thing. A You-shaped thing. I love your optimism, I really do, but let’s filter that over your own future, and not an imagined one with this guy.

…a true friend does not continue to stick his bits into yours while inkling that you want way more than that, while he clearly does not.

Fact #2: This is no longer a true friendship. Firstly because you’ve admitted that you’re in love with him, and despite the cold hard truth wafting out of Fact #1. This friendship that you’re clinging to is simply an excuse to keep him in your airspace and inbox — and you in his. Let me also say this: a true friend does not continue to stick his bits into yours while inkling (if not 100% knowing) that you want way more than that, while he clearly does not. Go spend time with your real friends.

Fact #3: Friends with benefits can work for some people and situations but for you and in yours, I think not. This is feeling more like friends with breadcrumbs. But let’s pause for a sense check on that: would you feel devo’d if the ‘you up?’ texts stop because he’s now busy with a new love interest about whom he is not confused — and all while simultaneously focusing on his career? Would you be in the foetal position speed-dialling your best mate/Uber Eats/a psychic hotline that charges by the minute?

And finally and most importantly,
Fact #4: You must expect and demand more for yourself in love, Lady. I’m concerned that you were just going to bumble along, pining over this guy and gobbling up those breadcrumbs and that would have been OK with you. It is not OK.

You’re clearly a romantic and a feeler and deserve someone who truly, madly, romantically feels for you. Trust me, there is MORE for you out there with a guy who is not lazy, sorry, I mean ‘confused’ about his feelings — and who has the ability to work and love, all at the same time.

I believe some people call that: multi-tasking.