Sick of Being The Sexual Sideshow Bob for Your Mates?

I’d love your advice on a scenario that is playing out with my coupled friends more and more frequently. I’m gay, male and single and not unhappily so. When I meet up with these friends, somewhere between the 2nd and 3rd martini I get asked very personal and specific questions about my sex life. I’m starting to feel like the sexual class clown, pressured to perform, even if I have little to report. But if I then turn the tables and ask my coupled friends about their sex lives, it’s met with pearl-clutching shock and embarrassment - and I get shut down quicker than a smart woman at a liberal party fundraiser!

If I think back, this wasn’t always the case and I remember many open discussions with these same friends in the early stages of their relationship where every fine detail of their honeymoon-phase sex life was shared, whether I asked or not. Needless to say I know more about their husbands and partners than I should. Much more…

Am I just being a bit precious about all of this or am I right to feel like it’s a big fat double standard?

Hey Lady,

Oh c’mon…everybody knows that levelling up from a second to a third martini leads to the rapid disintegration of filters, boundaries and oftentimes, every stitch of clothing you left the house in. But also, you’re absolutely right; there is a big fat double standard thriving within this particular friendship group of yours — along with a sprinkling of stereotypes. Let’s start with the one about gay men being 24/7 insatiable hornbag sideshows who have an index-finger glued to Grindr while sticking their bits anywhere that will have them. Though this may very well be a day in the life of some, it may not be Your Life. Tell your mates to treat you like the wonderful individual you are and stick that stereotype somewhere else.

Their thirsty questioning of who or whatever you might be up to is simply them strapping on an AI headset for a few minutes of sweaty voyeurism.

The other stereotype in play here is the one about couples being quietly obsessed with the sex lives of singles. And from how you write, this one appears to clear and present within your gang; their noses pressed up against the one-way police glass, peering into a new and exciting other world of sex that is not the kind they’ve been having (including not having any kind whatsoever). Their thirsty questioning of who or whatever you might be up to is simply them strapping on an AI headset for a few minutes of sweaty voyeurism. A sweet escape from the monotony of monogamy. Rather than feel hassled by it, you could feel a little bit sorry for them, perhaps? You could also just lighten the fuck up and entertain them with a technicolour embellishment of your latest sexcapades that they can froth over. Throw them a bone. Ride them hard and put them away wet. [Could I sound more like a bogan, middle-aged dude right now?!] You may even inspire them to go home and find their flame.

I do get your frustration though. It’s entirely understandable to expect a little reciprocity within this kind of Martini-fuelled confessional. There’s an implied give-to-get, no?. Next time they question you, shine your iPhone flashlight into their retinae and ask them if you’re now all playing Truth or Dare for real. Game on, moles.

Now let’s talk about boundaries because they are the through-line of this conversation, IMO. And I think you could all do with a reminder about what they are and how they can shape-shift over time. In what you’ve shared, your friends seem to be lacking them and they need to check themselves, stat.

As for you, Lady, remember that boundaries must bend both ways. They’re fluid, like feelings. Your friends may have been loose gooses in the early days of their relationships, sharing every salacious detail with you…but when people settle into deep coupledom many sign an invisible NDA that renders those details locked in a vault, never to be mentioned (by anyone) again. You need to respect that while you once knew a lot about their lives, their boundaries have shifted.

Perhaps you all need a safe word?

Image credit: ©Tim Walker