Sep 6

Sep 6 Name Calling: Why Gender Equality Begins at Birth

I’m 6 months pregnant with my first child, a girl, and at that point where things are getting very real. We’ve got a shortlist of names we like and I really want to have both our families represented in her surname. While my partner is open to that, he has his mother constantly in his ear with her negative opinions on the subject. You can hear the eye-rolling in her voice when she calls and she’s even helpfully suggested that my family name could be the baby’s middle name, as a …compromise!

She’s pushy, often rude and relentless when it comes to expressing her views ‘on the done thing’ and I’m finding it harder and harder to hold back and not totally lose it at her. Also, it’s not even her name! And she’s divorced from my partner’s Dad!

But that’s not all, she’s even gone as far as saying that my surname ‘isn’t particularly special so what’s the big deal?’ How can I shut her down without causing major family conflict or going into rage-induced premature labour?

Hey Lady,
I can’t (totally) relate to this. Purely because the only mother-in-law that I have ever known was the unicorn of M-I-Ls: the wildly embracing, incredibly supportive cheerleader who when push-came-to-marital-spat chose me as her ride-or-die over her own man child every day of the week. But just as I was extremely lucky in that respect, I get that so many people have to endure this petty, trouble-stoking varietal that you are dealing with and on this you have my deepest sympathies.

Yours sounds like a real piece. Suggesting that your surname isn’t special enough for your daughter is just staggering. I mean, shot fucking fired! The inference of course is that you are not particularly special and she’s put that on a giant billboard in blinding neon. But can we please have a quick sidebar to question the gravitas of this particular family that she married into; are we dealing with a Rockefeller, a Kennedy, or a fucking Fairfax? Are they titled blue bloods with a direct line to the throne? Do they have a public library or department store named after them? Perhaps you need to gift this woman an ancestry.com voucher to forensically chart the family history to see whether this genealogical snobbery is justified. But more importantly, someone (though not you) needs to remind her that this name she’s rating as superior technically belongs to…HER EX-HUSBAND. [I do hope that they hate each other desperately so the sting of this will be sweeter as it makes contact with her eardrums.]

Are we dealing with a Rockefeller, a Kennedy, or a fucking Fairfax? Are they titled blue bloods with a direct line to the throne? Do they have a public library or department store named after them?

Now let’s move past that nasty barb of hers and on to the glorious positivity that lies beyond. I think the hybrid surname is the absolute go for babies of today and tomorrow. So much so that I’m feeling wholly pissed that I was born well before this became an option. Fifty per cent naming rights should be a given; it does, generally speaking, take both parents to create a baby. How women got so swindled on this score and for so long is hard to fathom. Oh yeah…the patriarchy! How else could the half of the equation that does the least (during pregnancy, birth and often, beyond) be granted exclusive naming rights. Even Italy, who happens to be one of the lowest-ranked countries on the European Institute for Gender Equality’s latest index, has recently tipped the equality scales in the right direction, on this issue anyway. An Italian High Court recently ruled that a child’s surname must include both the mother and father’s name (unless both agree on an alternative). Salute to that!

Back to your question though…there’s no need to worry about having to shut down your partner’s mum. The only committee who needs to pass this motion consists of you and your partner. Naming your child is the very first and I would suggest most important decision parents make and I believe you’ve already made it. Worry not about family fallout Lady, for you have the ultimate hand in this power struggle; you are carrying this precious babe for all (the family) to enjoy. If she is to be the first grandbaby, that power instantly multiplies. But please tell your guy to silence this unwelcome chatter once and for all. I’m not loving the fact that he has played a part in this unnecessary stress spike by allowing his mother’s brand of poison into your space and this important time. Boundaries, mate! [But perhaps that’s a Hey Lady for another time.]

Once your babe makes her glorious entrance, she will be named and officially inked and that will be fucking that. You will be marinating in oxytocin, he will slay anyone cloaked in the slightest waft of negativity (better late than never) and your M-I-L will be so very grateful for her grandbaby, even if that gratitude is lodged like a giant hairball in her throat til kingdom come.

Most importantly, your firstborn will grow into a girl-woman who is taught the importance of gender equality the minute she can utter her own name.