3 Things to Say to Smug Couples About Why You're Still Single
So I’ve been single for a few years now. I’ve been dating but nothing significant or long enough to call a relationship…which I’m honestly ok with. I’m 31 and I’m not panicking about being single, about not having anyone to settle down with right now. It’s my friends who are concerned and that’s the problem. They’re well intentioned but they are the ones focusing on my lack of partner and are often saying how they can’t understand why someone like me is single. Like being single is the worst thing you can be. They make out like it’s a problem, like I have a problem, and I’m so over it! These friends are all either married, engaged, or coupled up and I feel like they’d be more comfortable if I had someone, regardless of what I may want. I’m starting to dread our catch-ups because my single status always comes up and I go home feeling like a bit of a nothing and that my life is just a holding pattern until I meet someone. I love these guys and don’t want to lose them as friends but this situation is really making me feel bad. And I honestly don’t feel bad about being single. How should I handle this?
Hey Lady,
Look, this pervasive breed of smug couples who believe people are best in twos and that one is the loneliest number, is both boring and infuriating. It’s as though once a person acquires a steady plus one, a strong case of amnesia follows; like couples can’t remember how fucking annoying it is when someone continually questions your relationship status, implying that there is something wrong with You as a result. And the questioning can get more intense the more genetically blessed you might be, less so if you have a face like a hatful of spiders. It’s as if coupledom is considered the single most impressive achievement for a human. And that being in it makes you a better one. It is not. And it does not. But thankfully you know this. The VERY important point here is that you have declared your genuine contentment with where life has landed you. And for right now, you complete you. Consider yourself an inspiration and I will rave more about You later.
…monogamy can result in slow-but-steady weight gain, female financial poverty, accelerated premature ageing, and children you cannot return.
In the meantime, let’s deal with The Smugs and this tedious line of questioning on repeat. Surely they mean well but it’s time to set them straight. I’m going to arm you with three different draft responses you can run with but before we go there, know this: it can be nigh on impossible to pull this off without sounding a little…defensive. Take a breath, channel the composure of a Parisian in her prime, and deliver your chosen response in the most self-possessed way. Use the power of the pause and a superior smize. And do not over-explain.
1. Calmly and cooly ask why your single status is such an issue
The next time one of The Smugs brings up your singledom, eyeball him/her/them in a meaningful way and pause. Smize. And then cooly ask him/her/them why it seems to be An Issue. [And because there’s nothing more annoying than answering a question with a question, right?] Definitely pause here too. They will probably back-peddle into a clumsy prattle about how great you are…how they just want you to be happy…how you just deserve someone amaaaaazing. They will use the word ‘just’ a lot, which can sound and feel reductive, and why you may walk away feeling somewhat smaller and lesser than.
In reply, just tell them: 1. You are happy and 2. You are amaaaaazing, just as you are. If they’re still not getting it, then tell them that they need not give a high-flying fuck about your lack of partner for you are genuinely happy with your life RN. Alone and lonely are not one and the same. Thank you, next.
2. Invent an intriguing/semi-shocking reason as to why you’re (still) single
Think of a reason that will both stun and silence them. Like: you’ve been a highly skilled self-gratifier for decades and no one can satisfy you…like You and your dominant hand. Like: your new job prevents you from forming relationships because: national security. And that’s all you’re permitted to say. Wink. Gotta go, byeeeee.
3. Ask him/her/them if they read that super-interesting article* in The New York Times.
You know, the one that referenced a recent study on how monogamy can result in slow-but-steady weight gain, female financial poverty, accelerated premature ageing, and children you cannot return? Then excuse yourself while you go get another drink while he/she/they whisper into their phone for Siri and deep dive into a frantic google search.
In the meantime, you just keep on doing you, bloody-great you. I love-love-love that you’re in a great place about being single. And why shouldn’t you be?! Coupledom is not necessarily for everyone and as per that NYT article*, it can be a twisted ball of compromise and sacrifice — even if you’ve partnered with a real peach.
Yet you dear, self-contained Lady, are an inspiration to young(er) woman everywhere. Because even though the fraudulent princess fairy tale is still forced upon little girls, the world (and Disney) is finally wising up to the fact that we don’t have to line up two-by-two to go places in life, inspirational, unmarried women can (and do) run nations, and you don’t have to have a partner to become a parent. Pass it on.
*Entirely invented article that has never appeared in The New York Times to help prove my/your point.
Image: Via Pinterest
