Nov 4

Nov 4 Are You Friendship Kryptonite?

I bumped into an old friend from my past at a Halloween party and I’ve been feeling a bit tweaked by her ever since. We had a pretty intense friendship at the time but eventually drifted apart over the years. After we asked the usual what-are-you-up-to? question, she started to bring up mutual friends from that time; friends that I introduced her to but that I don’t really see anymore. She went on to say how she still catches up with them.

It wasn’t like there was a major falling out between us all, we just gradually went in separate directions over time. But as she went on (and on), I kinda felt like the odd one out. Like I was missing out. Like they’d unfriended me. I just don’t get why I’m feeling so weird about this after all this time?

Hey Lady,

I get why you’re feeling weird…about feeling weird. Crashing into an old flame unexpectedly can bring on those feels fast. And I call her an old flame, because friends are a flame of sorts and it’s entirely understandable that this encounter stirred something deep within your cells. You shared time and all sorts with her so if you didn’t experience a little twinge of archived feeling, I’d be checking for a pulse.

But let’s unfurl this a little more to get to the root of your tweaking. Your former friend makes a point of the fact that She is still friends with these also-former friends of Yours, swiftly followed by the inference that You are not. Um, ouch. So I’m thinking: A) she was just been a bit stuck for conversation, grappling to find some common ground as she clutched a room-temp glass of cheap Prosecco and clocked the exit. Or B) she’s a petty, chip-on-shoulder type who wants to rub your lovely nose into the cold ashes of your abandoned past and silently brand you as friendship kryptonite. This is where I would then insert the part about it really saying more about her than it does about you. For if she is putting even the teeniest bit of effort into wanting to make you feel less than or exiled from her exclusive little club, then it could beg the Q that perhaps She was feeling a little snubbed by You? Only you know whether it’s A) or B). Or whether you’re wildly pre-menstrual and/or feeling not so great about where you’re tracking in life at this point in time? [I’ll wait…]

…gal pals can gradually fade into the sunset as some of those gals get busy with long-term relationships, deeply boring DIY home renos, and baby-centred routines that couldn’t feel more fucking foreign. And that’s ok.

What I do know for certain: quietly moving on from friendships that have served out their reason or season does not make you friendship kryptonite. As time ticks by, the quality and quantity of our friendships invariably change for a multitude of reasons. School and uni friends can gently retreat as you morph into true adulthood and Who You Really Are. Work friends can slowly wither into former colleagues as you move into different roles in different companies, industries, or cities. And gal pals can gradually fade into the sunset as some of those gals get busy with long-term relationships, deeply boring DIY home renos, and baby-centred routines that couldn’t feel more fucking foreign. And that’s ok.

It’s also ok to have a reflective moment and a check-in with self. In fact, let’s (all) take a moment of silence for friendships passed…Then, let’s also look at the upsides of what a little natural unfriending can inspire. Like more room for the thrilling prospect of future friendships with more engaging types who bounce into your life through your work/new love interest/book club/spin class/daily commute. You’ve probably made a number of shinier new mates since those old days right? You may have also had the band width to go deeper with other friends.

Unless you do have a deep back catalogue of friend carnage, don’t let this awkward, accidental reunion gnaw away at your self-confidence. Let’s simply see this for what it is: a relationship of old and from which you have grown upwards and outwards. And on the off chance that this tweaking feeling lingers longer and you come to the conclusion that you actually miss the good old days with that gal (or those other gals), then I’ve punched out some helpful advice on how to reboot a friendship here. The choice, as always, is yours, Lady.