Oct 4

Oct 4 5+ Ways to Reboot a Friendship That’s Flatlined

I’ve been unfriended and I’m totally clueless as to why. The worse part is: we work in the same office. We went from doing the coffee run, lunch together most days, and after-work drinks to her actively dodging me all of a sudden. Then we went into lockdown and WFH so we haven’t seen each other at all, other than on team Zooms. I really miss her and our friendship and I’ve tried to reach out. I’ve sent her a few messages and suggested we go for a walk to catch up but she’s blown me off with the excuse that she’s just busy.

We’re due back in the office soon and it’s going to be so awkward! So awkward that I’ve started to look for a new role. I really like my job but I just don’t know what else to do and don’t think I can handle seeing her everyday if we’re not friends anymore. Any advice?

Hey Lady,

Hold up. I get that this hurts but this is a friendship that’s flatlined — for now — and not a reason to eject yourself from a job that you like. Those can be hard to find. I’m glad you’ve made some attempts to raise it with her but those attempts feel a bit soft and polite to me. Especially given you’re really feeling the loss of her. So there are two clear roads here: 1. You can either (finally) accept that she’s just not that into you anymore and has taken a death-by-neglect approach to your friendship — and you reluctantly but graciously move on. Or 2. You push back. If you believe your connection is worth fighting for then you must. We must. The only thing you really have to lose is a splinter of pride and ego if the friendship can’t be revived. So, let’s get out the resusc paddles and give it our best shot.

1. Commit to accepting the outcome
Give it a red-hot go by all means but your attempts at a reconciliation may not land in the way that you hope. You can’t force this gal to be your friend, nor can you force her to debrief you on why she’s opted out. I get that not knowing The Why can feel like a slow road to madness but that’s not within your control. Channelling the c’est-la-vie of it all will not only take the pressure off but it will also help rid you of that sweaty, sad scent you’re unconsciously oozing all over the place. No one likes that scent.

2. Own your part in this
It’s possible that you’ve done/said/not said something significant and your friend isn’t woman enough to talk to you about it. And she’s decided to move into a new lane and out of yours. Shift the focus from her and undertake your own behavioural audit. Stare deeply into your navel and consider whether you’re a self-obsessed sociopath with an off-the-richter neediness? Have you been banging on about the same tired old issues you’ve had for years? Are you a neg-head narcissist with poor posture who is constantly complaining and blaming others/the patriarchy/your childhood for everything that’s wrong with your life?

3. Improve your airspace
Just as any living arrangement can get stale, so too can a work environment and the way you operate within it. When you do go back to the office, consider the energy you’ll be bringing to the place before you walk in that door every morning. Are you a walking, talking bad vibe? Do you subtract more than you add? Burn some sage, Spray & Wipe every available surface, cleanse your crystals under a full moon, and adjust your attitude. Bring only excellent vibes back into the office with you (without being one of those annoying, toxically positive types). And do not leave your job.

Channelling the c’est-la-vie of it all will not only take the pressure off but it will also help rid you of that sweaty, sad scent you’re unconsciously oozing all over the place.

4. Be your best self
Upgrade your operating system; be light, be bright, be brilliant at what you do because everyone wants to be pals with shiny, successful types. Dress better than you have been and get a new haircut that makes you feel invincible. Make a positive contribution to your team, office culture, the company P&L. You may even score a pay rise or a promotion down the line as a result.

5. Go down in style
Think like Mark in rom-com classic Love Actually with his confessional cardboard series. That poor bastard knew he’d missed out on his dream girl Juliet but he ploughed on regardless with a creative stunt that romantic revisionists have been banging on about since 2003. My point here is: Mark pushed his pride to the side and went for it — against the odds and with the spirit of a man who was totally radiating Step #1. He lost yet he also won.

But before you head off to Officeworks to bulk-buy cardboard and Sharpies, think long and hard about what that gesture might be. An unsolicited doorstep tribute, Sonos Roam in hand playing the theme song from The Golden Girls could be genius or awkward. A clever, not-too-over-the-top gesture that reminds her of the good times would be better.

And because I really do feel for you, here’s a bonus step:

6. Do a health check of your other friendships
Use this pain to motivate a DIY relationship reno across your circle. Be a more incandescent, more interested, more interesting friend. FFS, stem the blood flow —stat! — before you lose EVERYONE.