Sep 20

Sep 20 Is Your Boss a Pushmi-Pullyu?

So, a couple of months ago I got a new manager at work. When I heard she was coming on board, I was genuinely excited and thought I could learn a lot from her. We’ve been getting along well and we’re seemingly aligned with a lot of our thinking. She even sent a bottle of Champagne to my table at my birthday dinner. But when I had my quarterly performance review recently, she said she felt like we weren't at all on the same page, topped off with "I just feel like we haven't really clicked". I was pretty stunned and it’s now created a weird vibe between us.

I think part of the problem was the way she delivered it…like I had done something wrong and I was causing a problem between us. She also tried to compare our relationship to the one I had with my previous manager who I had quite a close working relationship with. I don't really see how that has anything to do with it but weird that this experienced, senior woman went there. For me, this is not so much about needing to win friends. I'm well-liked and respected by my colleagues and have a lot of friends at work but I don't really know what to do about this new dynamic with my manager. On one hand, I'm overthinking everything; I feel like it's the elephant in the room and I need to make it right. On the other, I don't do insincerity or game playing…aren't we all a bit too old for that kinda shit anyway?

Hey Lady,

As I read this, the soundtrack of your brain grinding its left side up against its right is deafening. And no, that is not a criticism. I don’t blame you one bloody bit. This boss of yours has burrowed her flip-flopping way into your cerebral cortex and is messing with both your thinking and feeling bits. In fact, it’s bringing up mems of a mythical creature in The Story of Doctor Dolittle. [Stay with me here.] The story featured a peculiar animal, the Pushmi-pullyu (pronounced ‘push-me, pull-you’). An exotic, two-headed beast, it shared one body but had two sets of front legs positioned at opposite ends of that body. The pushmi-pullyu had separate brains, faces, and voices and was directionally challenged; two steps forward was also two steps backwards. [Still with me?]

You say that mostly, you and your Pushmi-pullyu were getting along fine. She had even made a grand gesture to acknowledge your birthday in front of your people. Then, she’s upended your performance review to talk about her feelings rather than facts and sticking to the script (ie. charting your work performance, noting your successes and efforts, and offering constructive criticism to help propel your development).

…this woman has burrowed her flip-flopping way into your cerebral cortex and is messing with both your thinking and feeling bits.

I highly doubt that Clicking With Your Manager is one of your KPIs. Yes, the ideal scenario is one where everyone gets along but it’s not vital — you don’t need to ‘click’ in order to do your job and do it well. You do need to respect each other’s roles. You do need to take direction and constructive criticism. You do need to resist the urge to syphon company funds into your own bank account. The fact that your Pushmi-pullyu is dragging her predecessor into the dialogue is her ego talking, loudly broadcasting her own insecurities. You’re right, it should be irrelevant but it’s useful for you to see that a big part of this, for her anyway, is a popularity contest. [Refer Champagne in front of witnesses.]

So what to do? Well, you could go running to HR to table your dissatisfaction with the review process…but I don’t like that for you. What I do like is a little perspective and this draft of a 5-point success plan I’ve whipped up. Because I’m a firm believer in: Looking For The Lessons.

1. Work hard and be grateful for the challenges that come your way.
I know — eye roll — but trust me, tricky bosses can help up your EQ and generally make you a more capable human (and future manager). I’ve reported to an absolute beast or two from whom I’ve learnt A LOT.

2. Exercise regularly to keep your anxiety and perspective in check. Endorphins improve everything. And exercising in the AM preps and powers your brain for peak performance throughout the day and all sorts of political ping pong that can send you off course if you’re feeling fragile.

3. Document any encounters that don’t feel right to you.
A Pushmi-pullyu tends to play things a little fast and loose. Some strategic note-taking and diarising can help keep you both on track in terms of tasks, goals, and wins. And, if you do decide to involve HR/the business owner/an employment lawyer at some point down the line, you’ll have a factual narrative trail to support your case.

4. Widen your work world
Develop your personal brand. Get to know other managers and teams; extend yourself (beyond both your JD and comfort zone), and volunteer for company-culture initiatives that will spotlight your skills and get you mixing with all sorts. Start the company’s first-ever tequila appreciation society. Insert yourself into the office netball team if you’ve got the ball skills and necessary aggression. Propose a charity partnership that will make total sense to management and far more importantly, help to change (other) people’s lives. People who would love to have a job — and this relatively luxury problem.

5. But most importantly, get out of your head and into your KPIs.
If your Manager is a game player and needs the ego stroking of subordinates, fine. Let your colleagues be distracted by that game. For you, dear Lady, will be far too busy winning and being excellent at your job.

And no one can argue with excellence.