You Might Be Dating Dirty John

I’ve been seeing someone for almost five months now. J. is funny, charming, great with my friends and family, and we’ve got insane chemistry like I’ve had with no other guy before. We clicked instantly and things have moved pretty quick. We’ve even talked about moving in together when his lease is up in a few months. But he got made redundant six weeks ago. He’s been trying really hard to look for work and I know he’ll get there but…he’s asked me to borrow $5,000 which TBH I feel a bit sick about. Part of me totally trusts that he will pay me back once he gets a job and another part of me feels like it’s a dumb and risky thing to do – it’s basically my savings.

I really don’t want to lose him and am worried I will if I don’t lend him the money. What should I do?

Hey Lady,

TBH, I’m feeling a bit sick about this too. But shelving our shared nausea for a bit…the chink of light that’s illuminating this situation is the fact that I believe you really do know what to do deep down in your guts. Because our guts are actually excellent at divining The Truth, while our brain is quick to swaddle that truth in multiple filters like an overprotective momager.

Look, I can think of 5,000 reasons why you should NOT lend this J. your savings. But then I am a love cynic who lives by hard-learned lessons like: Do not lend a person with whom you have been sleeping for a relatively insignificant amount of time, a significant amount of money. A lesson that has been learnt the hardest of ways by millions of women, men, and others of all ages, the world over.

…in one instant funds transfer, you become the financial top and he becomes the beholden bottom.

For now, let’s put aside the very real concern about the $5k being paid back in full (and within a decent amount of time) or the very real possibility that you could be sharing linen with a conman. [Gulp.] You lending him the money will invariably change your dynamic and dampen your acknowledged sizzle. For in one instant funds transfer, you become the financial top and he becomes the beholden bottom. He will feel like your charity case, and you will feel like he is a real-life cost centre. Money-fuelled fights are inevitable and it will be hard not to feel completely enraged when he spends his-really-YOUR money on boys nights/an obscure, Japanese sneaker drop/a third surfboard. And it will be even harder not to show it. You are not his mother nor his financial controller yet it will be imposs for both of you to avoid feeling that to some degree. Cue likely erectile disfunction and/or loss of libido. [His.] And teeth grinding. [Yours.]

I appreciate that this is tough for you, real tough. But this need not be your burden alone — can’t J hit up a friend, family, a benevolent godparent? I also don’t believe that a well-considered ‘no’ from you should result in The End. The real risk here is not the implosion of your relationship but the draining of those sweet savings of yours for you’ve known your money longer than you’ve known your man. I bet it took you some sweet time to amass that chubby little nest egg, yes? So as the final punctuation, I’m gonna hand you over to the real-life tales of those who have lived through the extreme end of what can happen when you mix finances and fluids. Your homework is to watch all the streaming content filed under the title  ‘Dirty John’ and listen to the ‘Who The Hell is Hamish?’ podcast (The Australian). 

Over to those who have loved and lost (everything).

Image: © Steven Meisel