Feeling Like Relationship Roadkill?

I’ve been spending my weekends with someone for the last six weeks or so. He’s 10 years older than me and just came out of a broken engagement when his fiancé called it quits on their 4-year relationship. And when I say just came out…I mean one week before we met. I know, I know, it’s too soon after… but I’m really into him and we seem to really get each other, on every level, you know. The problem is this: when we’re in the moment, I feel super connected to him and like we’re a thing. But then I go home on a Sunday night and then don’t hear from him at all until like, Thursday night or Friday morning when he messages me about the weekend.

Recently I was out with girlfriends and hit the espresso martinis hard. At one point, I decided I’d go over to his place where he was having drinks with some of his mates. Some of my friends were telling me not to but I ended up jumping into an uber with the one friend who wasn’t against it and crashing his drinks. I was really out of it and although I apologised the next morning and we spent much of Saturday together, after I went home he blew me off later even though we’d talked about getting dinner. In the days since, I’ve heard nothing. So now I feel like I’ve totally ruined what we had by being so messy and he’s ghosted me. Should I just wait and see if he gets back in touch or should I reach out to him? 

Hey Lady,

Timing can be such a twisted bitch can’t she? Hurling an irresistible creature into your world when the conditions could not be worse. Take a freshly-dumped-but-distracting opportunity, roll him in some pretty flammable chemistry, and you’d need to be totally Teflonic to not end up in some sort of intoxicating entanglement, no matter how much of a bad idea you know this to be. I’ve been there, we’ve all been there but reaching out to him, in fact this whole relationship (if we can call it that), really is a bad idea for you. 

And here’s why: the bruising and battering that is being dumped by your fiancé who is reversing not just out of your relationship but out of your forever, must not be underestimated. Significant jewellery has been purchased, group celebrations have been had, futures have been vision-boarded. In my experience, men deal with this hit-and-run of the heart much worse than we do. In fact, they generally don’t deal with it much at all. Instead they throw themselves into a hectic social life of distraction and into the first warm body who will have them. You are that warm body. Well…from Friday to Sunday, to be specific. [Ouch but true.] These pockets of time are essentially scraps he’s flicking your way and you deserve more than that. You also deserve someone to be more into you than this guy seems.

Then why the weekday silence? Is he working on an oil rig out at sea from Monday-Thursday with no WiFi?  

I’m hearing all your buts; ‘…but we get on so well…but the sex is amazing…but we just get eachother’. Many of us can be prone to ignoring the facts in favour of the feels, while guys tend to do the reverse. But I’ll indulge you for a microsecond: say this is a real connection of substance on both sides, then why the weekday silence? Is he working on an oil rig out at sea from Monday-Thursday with no WiFi? More importantly, why are you abandoning your mates in order to hurl your over-sauced self at him in front of his? Um and why-oh-why are you ignoring the well-intentioned advice of those who definitely love and care for you?

All valid Qs to ask but I will dial the interrogation down for a bit. I’m going to take a stab and suggest that you are not your best self RN. The explosive mix of insecurity sparked by not knowing where you stand with this guy, multiplied by espresso martinis on repeat is leading to dodgy decisions, shame, and self-loathing.  

Please stop beating yourself up about all of that. What’s done is done. Archive that Friday night into your Things I Will Never Do Again note in your phone and review it when your willpower is on the wane. Next, let’s focus on the learnings. And repeat after me: 

1.     I will avoid freshly run-over men who need time to undergo emotional triage and to lick their wounds rather than a shiny new distraction who can fill their Friday nights and lonely Sunday mornings.

2.     I will listen when 91% of my friends call out a bad idea. And I will question the motives of the one friend who thinks this bad idea is in fact a great idea. 

3.     I will leave the boys night to the boys. 

4.     I will rate myself way more highly than I have been and be less available.

5.     I will fill my life with people who clearly want to have a place in it. Even on weekdays.

PS. You’ll note I have not given any advice whatsoever on how to deal with this guy, should he reappear in your inbox. And that is because: A) I don’t believe he will reappear and B) because you have spent enough time dealing with Him and trying to burrow your way into His brain. He should now be in your rear-view mirror while your eyes are firmly focused on the sparkly superhighway that is laid out before you. [But if he does message you and you’re stuck for a winning reply, hit me up.]

Image: Via Pinterest