Sep 26

Sep 26 It’s 2021: Why Are You Doing (All) The Housework?

My partner and I moved in together just before the first lockdown earlier this year. Obviously, lockdown life has revealed a lot about our relationship (good and bad) and there’s one thing that I’m feeling pretty anxious about. Like how he just doesn’t take any responsibility for cleaning our apartment or keeping it clean. I’m ALWAYS the one who has to bring it up and realistically, end up doing the bigger share of the work. We both work in equally demanding jobs and split everything financially yet he just never takes responsibility or the initiative for keeping our place clean.

I’m really sick of nagging, he’s really sick of my nagging, and I hate being put in this position. And it’s got me wondering (ok stressing) about how he would be if or when we have a baby and whether all the housework and childcare would just fall to me. Is this a big red flag?

Hey Lady,

Who doesn’t love the early co-habitation phase of a relationship; the thrill of merging statement furniture, investing in an air fryer, and fucking on every available surface. If you think about it though, most of the big discussions that do take place seem to be centred around the most immediate practicalities; like where (you can afford) to live, the allocation of wardrobe space, and the final resting place for the flat screen. The weightier ones like who will notice the future dust and grime, who will erase the bog marks, and which one of you will Napisan the sheets every Sunday and get them back onto the bed are rarely tabled in advance. [For those reading along, if you are lucky and flush enough to outsource these To Dos to an actual cleaner, then I’d tell you to skip to another post but lockdown life means that we’re ALL having to stare our accumulated filth in the face until we can bear it no longer.]

Having co-habited with a couple of different partners over the years, I will say this: if I had been as wise and as wildly self-confident then as I am now, I would have absolutely negotiated this early in.

Generally speaking (and no matter what the gender configuration may be), in any relationship there will be one who will be more naturally house-proud OR marginally less filth-tolerant than the other. That person will inevitably take the lead on the cleaning, purely because of their higher standards and lower filth tolerance. That person becomes the clean police, the default nag — and that’s a bloody burden that will bleed into the bedroom. However, if you both happen to be neat-freak obsessive types, then hurry up and get married or split a mortgage. You are perfect for each other.

Having co-habited with a couple of different partners over the years, I will say this: if I had been as wise and as wildly self-confident then as I am now, I would have absolutely negotiated this early in. I’ve been on both ends of this housework equation; the one who had to initiate the weekly clean and ended up doing the bulk of the work. And also the one who was hassled-to-the-bone on a daily basis about the tasks I hadn’t done – or hadn’t done to His excessively anal and joyless standards. I didn’t like living at either end. If only I had paused that strong coupling impulse, taken a beat, and approached each of these situations more cautiously; just as I would have a new job with an accompanying contract. Think about this: would you take on a new role without being clear on what’s expected of you, how much you’re being paid, and what you can expect your company to do for you in return?

You’ve asked if I see this as a big-fat red flag that is forecasting a future fraught with inequity, unpaid and unacknowledged labour, and children you to have to juggle mostly singlehandedly. Without knowing the guy, I’m loathe to write him (or your relationship) off in the long-term, even if I’m deeply unimpressed with his low-level adulting. I can and will say this: I do think this domestic-chore gap that you have fallen into is a significant-sized red flag for your relationship right now. And it’s one that’s unfortunately flapping madly at full mast in so many homes across the globe. We gals have to stop just silently shouldering this bullshit housework burden that’s been passed down through the centuries as a ‘pink job’.

But back to you: let’s focus on one or three (relatively) quick fixes that will not just lighten your present load (and get your home back to its sparkling best) but help to set the tone for future discussions, including that very important one about family.

1. Call a House Meeting

A friend of mine schedules a monthly meeting between herself and her partner. They review their shared bills and financial commitments, check in on their debts/savings, and plan ahead for big-ticket household items. It works wonderfully for them. If yours is an organised type who lives by his calendar alerts then send him an iCal invite titled ‘House Meeting’. Have the agenda items ready, one of which is titled simply: ‘Cleaner’ and just whack a dollar-estimate next to it. Because that’s what you’ll both have to find additional funds for because you’re no longer working for free.

2. Actions Not Words

If you’re sick of talking and feel a simple but high-impact statement is called for then you could do what I do when my housemate gets slack or mistakes me for an unpaid cleaner. I simply remove his dirty plates from the sink, gather his stinky laundry and wet towel off the floor, and grab the empty toilet roll he thinks is OK to leave in the bathroom. I then arrange it into an almighty pile in a space he frequents; like on top of the toilet seat (lid down), just inside the front door before he’s due to walk in, or in front of the TV with the remote casually tossed in amongst those items. Works every time.

3. Desperate Times Require Desperate Measures

And by that I mean: stage a #SexStrike. Abstinence has played a part in the women’s activism playbook since as far back as ancient Greece and as recently as the protest against Texas anti-abortion law. Women in countries rich and poor have staged sex strikes over everything from civil war and political fuckery to gender inequality and restricted voting and reproductive rights. IMO, the inequitable division of household labour is on par.

As is the case for any form of activism, it’s important to be organised and prepare yourself in advance to set up your strike for eventual success. Fit your own oxygen mask first and by that I mean: charge your vibrator. There’s no need for you to miss out completely. Then, cease all cleaning efforts and let Him flail around in the accumulated filth without the joy and relief of regular sex with You, for as long as he can handle all of that.

Stay strong sister. I see a cleaner (and great makeup sex) in your future.