My Fiancé Has a Secret Porn Habit

My fiancé just confessed that he has a secret porn habit. He’s also been suffering from depression for a while which often makes communication between us anything but easy. Now I feel totally conflicted about how to handle this… I’m so used to being his only support, gently trying to get him to talk to me about how he is (really) feeling, and encouraging him to be more open. But I so wasn’t expecting this! I’m hurt and angry that he’s been spending hours, every day, hiding away and watching porn while I thought he was just studying for his MBA in the spare room. I know it’s good that he eventually came to me about it and that’s what I’ve been encouraging him to do but careful what you wish for right?!

I don’t want to make him feel any worse and I don’t want him to stop opening up but I can’t stop feeling like he’s been cheating on me. We barely have sex these days but I had just put that down to his depression so I hadn’t forced the issue. So now I feel so betrayed, so hurt, so angry about this and don’t know what to do with all these feelings. Please help!

Hey Lady,

Well, what’s great about this: it’s no longer a secret. What’s not: His depression and Your empathy is getting the most airtime here. But thankfully you have just landed in a wonderfully cushioned space that is all about You and Your feelings so let’s put Him and His mental-health challenges to the side for the moment. They have been a part of your everyday for God knows how long — and that is exhausting. I’d like to make this about You and the big laundry bag of emotions you’re lugging around.  In no particular order…

The Anger
You’re fucking furious and fair enough. Feel it freely. He’s confessed to a habit he’s been hiding from you. And while we are all our own keepers and don’t need to account for every hour of our days, you legit thought he was doing something else for all those hours. And you gave him the space and time to do that something else while putting your own needs on the backburner.

I get how bruised you feel. And remember feeling the same (and more) upon finding an ex’s porn stash — to be specific: a colourful little production called Anal Gang Bang 4.

Now shift that anger in the most effective way for you; go running every night til you can run no further, jump in the car with your most fun and most supportive mates for a weekend road trip, online shop like you’ve never online shopped before. Do. Something. Else.

The Hurt
When you’ve elbowed anger to the side, in floods the hurt — which is way harder to run/road trip/shop away and it tends to linger longer. Now, let’s talk about porn. I don’t know where you stand but it is likely to be with one of the below:

1. You’re fine with it but it’s just not your thing

2. You’re anti-porn and feel repulsed by it

3. You’re more hurt/angry that he didn’t ask you to join him  

I’m vibing #3. He’s (secretly) been doing something every day that is about lust, desire, fantasy, and getting off and you never got the invitation. It feels like he’s cheating because it’s involving other players while he’s temporarily bailed on your sex life.  I get how bruised you feel. And remember feeling the same upon finding an ex’s porn stash —to be specific, a colourful little production titled Anal Gang Bang 4. [I also wondered where the hell was Anal Gang Bang 1-3? And was there so much that was left unexplored in episode 1 that it required 3 sequels?] I’m not inside your guy’s head but consider this: it’s quite possible that his porn habit really truly may have nothing to do with you. [See The Depression below]. 

The Habit
It’s been eating up his time and attention span; that’s time not spent studying, not socialising, not consciously coupling, and not doing his 50% of the cooking and cleaning. And it’s affecting your sex life. Many depression sufferers are desperately seeking distraction from it and slide all too easily down the slippery slope that is daily drinking, drug taking, gambling, and/or porn. BUT…the fact that he’s outted himself is really positive. It’s a shout out for help, for a habit that he wants to break. 

The Depression
I know just how fucking TOUGH it can be living with and loving someone with depression; I spent a few years with a sufferer and nearly lost myself in the process. It’s all too easy to prioritise their pain, their suffering, their daily challenges while reducing your own feelings. You must be a twisted ball of contradiction RN; wanting to punch him and fling that emerald-cut diamond into his right cornea while also wanting to hug and praise him for confessing.

But you are not His psychiatric nurse. You can’t always be tip-toing on His eggs shells. He needs to hear how You feel. But enough from me; you need an expert who has legit qualifications (and TBH, I’m still months off graduation). I’d encourage you to catapult yourself into counselling quick smart. I’m hoping that He is already dealing with His depression in some way? If not, get on that stat. And You: You need some help to balance your genuine care for him and his mental state with care for yourself and yours. 

While he may have the bigger head and heart challenge, your feelings mustn’t be reduced in the process. A neutral space that is managed by a great therapist where you can hear each other out can be a total relationship changer. And change is what you both need.

In fact, the future of your relationship very clearly depends on it.

Image: Via Pinterest